Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Pain
Things have been hard. It is hard to look at Kayleigh and James as they look so much like Kaden. We are in the process of becoming Foster Parents and will soon be trying for a baby. I will not nor ever use the word "again" when I say we are trying. You see Kaden was his own person, there is no again. Nothing will ever replace him. We fixed up our home and are somewhat excited for Christmas. It is hard to be. I think everyday of what we should be doing if Kaden had not had CDH. I hate CDH, with every being of my body and soul. Hate is a strong word, but CDH deserves it. I should be holding Kaden, playing with him, Kayleigh should be playing with him and doing all the things big sisters do. This should be his first christmas, I should be buying him fun toys and teaching him how to sit up and crawl, not visiting his grave. I had a rough life and always thought things could get or be worse, but never, never did I imagine this. I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy. I should be updating this blog with happy news or any news of his accomplishments, not with montages in his memory or how we bought a blue christmas tree to place at his grave. I should be saying how lucky we are he survived not how lucky we are to have had 29 days with him. I should me saying Kaden is our miracle baby, not our miracle Angel. I should not be crying everytime I see a baby boy or a pregnant women and thinking "They have no clue how lucky they are". I hate people who have children and treat them like trash, who pay no attention to their miracle and have no business having children. It hurts. I just think "God why do they get to be blessed for a lifetime and me only 29 days, am I not deserving?" I know I am handling this well, but I should not be handling this at all, I hate CDH. Everything happens for a reason, but I cannot find a good, or hell o.k. reason for taking Kaden. Kaden's autopsy showed that he bled to death from his repair site. He bled internally and had DIC. He had clots all over him internally. He bled from the Ecmo, because he was heparinized. The same drug that saved his life while he was in me, killed him while he was alive. My son bled to death, he slowly drifted into a coma while his organs and whole body was shutting down. He was slipping away right in front of me and I could do nothing. I failed him, I know it was not my fault but as a mother it was my job to protect him. I wish I would have researched the in-utero surgery more and not trusted the doctors, I wish we would have went to Dr. Kays in Florida or UCSF, or Boston, or Phili. I know there are no do over's and life must go on. It is still not fair though, life is not either, I know this. I just pray that there truly is a heaven and that someday I will see Kaden. I miss him so much words cannot explain.
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