Friday, January 2, 2009

The Day we lost our Angel

Sep 15th James actually went to work (he only went 2 days out of Kaden's 29) I decided to go get Kayleigh because we could spend the night at home, Kayleigh had not been home in 28 days and was acting out. I got to my moms, and found out that Kay was sick, well I didn't want to risk it so I stayed a little while and left. I called my husband and let him know, he suggested that we go to our friends house in Parma, after all Kaden was stable and doing "ok" so we should take a break because this would be a long road. I finally agreed. We were watching a football game and my phone rang, It was a resident doctor saying "Kaden's heart rate has been erratic, do not rush but get here asap, we are not sure what is going to happen" So of course I rushed, doing over 100 the whole way, my husband doing over 120 on his bike. Dangerous I know but we just knew. We got there at 9pm I think. I kept asking how his could be when his stats had been fine, what changed, did his lung collapse, no, did they increase the flolan, no, did they decrease it yet then, no, then they did. He kept getting worse and we were clueless. What had changed? James and I knew that this was probably gonna be the end, we went back to RMH and tried to get some sleep, 3 am came and we got another call "Mrs. Morrow we think you should come over, we think he is going to go into cardiac arrest" I almost left in my nightgown. We sat there for a while before we called family, we wanted to have our own time and to make sure that this was it. 6am came and we called the family. We watched his stats drop lower and lower, the machine alarms going off and the looks on everyones faces. Other families had started to arrive to see their babies, I guess I was crying to much and scaring them so they brought over some panes to block us. They kept mentioning taking him off the machines, I kept saying not until we have tried everything, I want Dr.Stork. At 7am Dr.Stork called the doctors and told them to give me a message. "Jamie it is time, what we talked about, it is time, there is nothing more we can do" I asked her to tell me when we got to the point of no return to tell me and we would take him off the machines to at least die in some peace in our arms. I collapsed and cried. I never cried so hard in my life. Kaden's heart rate was like 18 over 20, he would go into cardiac arrest soon. We kissed him on his head, it was so cold. I leaned over him with tears in my eyes and said "It's ok sweetie, you have fought long and hard and I know your tired, rest now baby, you can let go, it's ok, we love you" After I said that a yellow tear fell from his eye and ran down across his face and hit the pillow. at 8am we decided to let our angel fly. I couldn't stand to see him go into cardiac arrest. They took him off the oscilator and put him onto the regular vent, then they silenced all the alarms & turned them from our eyesight. As soon as Kaden was placed in my arms Dr. Stork arrived. She listened for his heart beat as I cried. Kaden's last heart beat was at 8:15 am September 16th. I lost it and handed Kaden's lifeless body to James. The nurse took their picture. After a few moments I took Kaden into my arms, only it wasn't Kaden. I looked at him, he did not look like my son. My son was gone. I called over the nurse, who was crying, and we left the Nicu and went into the waiting area. I sent a text to some people, and called others I knew needed to hear my voice. I lost it again during those calls, everyone was staring at me, I saw the pity on their faces. One mother picked up her toddler and squeezed him even when he wanted down. I remember wishing I could do that. Some family came, and had alone time with him. The nurse took more pics, I have not posted them yet, they are heartbreaking. Kaden's body was ashen gray and very swollen. His little hands bright white from the hand print kits. His lips deformed from the tubes. We stayed at RMH for a little while, the family decided we should go out to eat, they wanted to make sure James and I ate. We returned to RMH and I made the funeral arrangements. We waited to get Kay until the 17th. She was very mad at us and acted like she didn't know us and was scared, that broke my heart more. I felt like I had lost both my children. I was numb. It felt like my mind was on auto pilot and I had stepped out. Because of my childhood I learned to detach myself from painful things. The 18th we went to the funeral home to pick out what we wanted. I saw the casket, it was so tiny I didn't think Kaden would fit, but he did. I crochet blankets, but had not finished one. I finally did though, it was Kaden's & I buried it with him. Well this is to much for me, so I will post later.


Nimkee's Mum said...

(((((Jamie)))) I wish those hugs were real. I read this with tears in my eyes, imagining, remembering.....Bennett-Chadlen's final moments.

Guilt and heartache....each so difficult, yet so much harder when they go hand in hand.

I have been remembering my sweet boy, and the past year of my healing journey--as we enter into a new year. I think this is normal for many, especially those of us who have had so much hurt.

I know it isn't easy, but I do encourage you to keep writing. Sharing it as you do is good too, as so many who don't have the words may read it and find that they aren't alone in their own feelings of grief. Although we would never wish this on anyone, there is a certain amount of comfort in knowing that someone out there truly does understand.

Much love, & Nimkee blessings to you,

Terri said...

Jaime sweet heart you are an amazing woman and adored Mommy. I just want you to know that I think of you. I don't have the answers or the most perfect thing to say to you. I know you live in a nightmare day after day. I pray it gets better for you. I do know that Kaden want to see you happy but I'm sure he understands your pain. God bless and hold you tight.


Elizabeth said...

I so recall our drive to the hospital that morning and the details. It is important to write it down and remember it. Kadan is truly a miracle. You know this.

Thank you for sharing - and know you are not alone.


Liz and Shane Nelson said...

Jamie I think of you on and your sweet Kaden daily. My heart aches for you. you are in my prayers

Erin said...

It's so hard to read this, but we have to face hard times in life, I know. We will never ever forget Kaden and he lives on in our hearts every day. When it is god's will, we will all be together again in the kingdom of Heaven. Such a special little angel.

Craig and Kristi Kuehl said...


Thank you so much for visiting my Kaden's blog. I have visited yours many times and it breaks my heart that your Kaden grew wings. As a matter of fact, your blog was one of the first I found when we first got the diagnosis. Your son is so beautiful...My Mom even commented on what a beautiful baby he is--know that he is a beautiful angel and I pray that he watches over my Kaden. Believe it or not, I think about you almost daily, and am scared of what lies ahead of us, but I know that it is something that I cannot control. I follow your blog and look for updates hoping that as time passes, you are healing. I know you miss him terribly--as I know I will if my Kaden chooses wings as well. Please keep us in your prayers....

proudmom said...

Happy Birthday sweet warrior.
God Bless all the CDH Babies and families.